My Rabbi Life Coach

2017

I've been an atheist since I first heard about God. Now, surprising even myself, I've hired a rabbi to be my life coach. Here's how that happened.

When I was 6 years old my parents tried to force religion down my throat while severely restricting  candy going down the same throat. As a result I've grown up as an atheist with a sweet tooth. Yes, I can be an annoying contrarian.

From the age of 13 until later in life, as I lay in bed, as I fell asleep, I thought only about girls. Before that I had a more cosmopolitan imagination. I had war and god on my mind.

Before the age of 13 some nights I'd fall asleep playing war games under the covers.  I'd have a Tommy gun and the aliens would be attacking from every direction. I'm sure you're as thankful as I am that I survived.

Other nights, before the age of 13, I'd be lying in bed testing god. I'd lay there calling him every name in the book daring him to take the bait and put an end to me and my insolence. I'm sure you're as thankful as I am that I survived. Are you OK with him as my pronoun for God?

Since that time I’ve had lots of exposure to my Jewish religion. But I’ve never wavered from being an atheist.

Religious holidays have been a great pleasure. Jews celebrate often. We have a saying that describes most of our holidays. “They tried to kill us. We survived. Let's eat.”

Bringing my children up to practice Judaism offered pleasure, a chance to see them learn, to enjoy themselves and to grow into our vibrant and well fed culture.

Through volunteer work in the Jewish community I have had access to travel, smart people, leadership opportunities, a chance to make a difference and many rewarding moments.

But I never took to the religious side. One Saturday morning when I was 17 I was in a Synagogue on San Vicente Boulevard in Beverly Hills. I was determined to give God a chance. I tried very hard to understand what going on, what people found attractive about services. What I was missing. It didn't work. I didn’t find God or what others found stimulating.

I’ve been back to services many times but only to satisfy what other people wanted me to be doing or to avoid the shame of not being there when it was appropriate.

And my wife and I, except for a short period, haven’t been members of a synagogue. That was an opportunity for community we didn’t choose take advantage of.

We aren’t joiners. And even when we are members of something, like a golf club, we don’t get socially involved. I have been at least subconsciously aware that I was missing something. I know many people who are joyously involved.  

My brother, differently, was very involved in synagogue. He attended services regularly. In fact, in his last years he was notably present often at three different synagogues. He wasn’t married so his religious affiliation was a big  part of his life.

When he died I made contributions to all three synagogues. A year later I was called by the executive director of one of those synagogues for a follow-up donation. And that’s how I met Rabbi Dan Rand.

Dan and I hit it off during that call. We agreed to go out for coffee. It was my pleasure to do so. I like meeting new people. It was his as well, but also his work. I was a living, breathing candidate to join his synagogue.

So for the next three years we met for coffee roughly once a month.

Our pleasure was to discuss politics and religion. I’m a severe political junkie. I’m very knowledgeable. Dan was happy to get my take on news of the day.

Now, while Dan is an administrative rather than a pulpit rabbi, his learning is extensive. And he is really smart about the religious side of things. With my atheism 180 degrees at odds with his beliefs we had a lot to disagree on.

I have spent some time testing my beliefs so I have some substance underpinning my point of view. For example, some years ago I took a course ‘Where Was God During the Holocaust?’. The conclusion our class came to is that either there is no God or that he was off playing golf somewhere and missed World War 2 entirely. I’ve also listened to many intelligent podcast debates between believers and atheists.

From mid 2013 to mid 2016 Dan and I argued a lot about God over coffee. Dan, once even sent me to a friend of his, a specialist in arguing with atheists. That didn’t work. I remained unconvinced.

My arguments with Dan were titanic. Sometimes loud. Sometimes entertaining for others in the coffee shops where we met. We’re both strident when excited.

These meetings were among my happiest times. I respected what Dan had to say and I wanted to dig into his great intellect further and more frequently.

So I engaged Dan to coach me about the tenets of the Jewish religion.This is generically called Torah study.

For the purposes of our conversation I agree that God exists and participate differently than I did before. Instead of arguing God’s existence I ask questions to dig deeper. Let’s say I go with the flow to see where it’s going.

We’re both having lots of fun and experiencing lots of intellectual stimulation.Each meeting includes a warm up where we discuss what's going on in each other's life. Sometimes I can offer Dan some professional advice from my own know how. And then we choose a topic or a question for the day and Dan contributes a point of view from the Torah. The topics we choose usually relate to some drama that's going on in my life.  

This has been a U turn in my life. I haven’t changed my atheist view but by ignoring what I think, I walked through a door to a big new room of exciting ideas.